Friday, February 21, 2014

Islamantics

Salaam alaikum motherfuckers.



So I just rolled through the "Mike Tysons Punch Out" leg of the trip:
        Egypt / Pasta Pizza

       Turkey / Bald Bull


Jordan / Bob Charlie

UAE / Great Tiger
Malasyia / Hoy Quarlow 
Nepal P. Hurricane


Basically a Muslim sandwich with a side of farty onion naan.

Some folks associate Islam with "terror", but the truth is only a tiny fraction actually terrorize
(thank Vishnu). Most Muslims are cool to the touch and kiss peace on the neck and lean in on that shit balls deep. Also without Muslims we wouldn't have Eric B and Rakim. So let's remember what our high school councilor said and be tender to the Muslims uhhhm K guys? Huuuummm kay.


Here's my take on the pro / cons of being Muslim in a Muslim country:

Pro:

1) Women can't sit in the front seat so you never have to call shotgun
2) You get to wear a robe every day

Con:

1) No premarital
2) You have to pray five times a day

This five times a day thing really put a scarab in my jillbab. What a pain in the ass. There were dudes that literally had black marks and little friction growths on their forehead- gross little bubble nubs from praying so often.



What if you pray six times a day- does the last one roll over like cell minutes? What if you only pray 4 times do you still go to hell? In fact this sounds like something a daemon would have you do in hell; like one room in hell is where they pinch your tits, another is where you carry heavy rocks, and the last one where you kiss the ground 5 times a day.

In all of the Muslim countries most women roll a Hadjib, which is the long black robe folks are fond of. Great bonus for the ladies is that it hides the muffin top like a champion. On another note down by the river Jordan I saw a maiden disrobe.. and, as I have suspected for years, they are actually just ghosts under there:



 Also old women wear a batoola, which looks like a ninja scroll face mask:

Kali ma shakti de

Also check out the little wiz Khalifa:

Shorty I roll up


So each Muslim country had its own flavor. Like a runny bowl of paneer. The UAE is basically like a Muslim Vegas where nobody drinks or has sex. Egypt is full of garbage and the cops wear penny loafers. Malaysia had lots of little dogs running around that snap at your ankles and scratch and claw to survive on these sandy streets. Get bit you get arabies. Player has his shots though bubs! In Turkey I saw this dude, which I am convinced was the retired Bald Bull:


Nepal was the macghee- as in tits mcghee. I went on a five day trek and my butt biscuits were burnin y'all. I couldn't sleep In Bryani so I went outside in total darkness and looked up at the sky. Stars for days son. Shine bright like a diamond. It reminded me that we are all on a tiny floating crumb and that all the wars we wage on each other are for insignificant microscopic fractions of parcels on a spec of space dust. Macroscopically is becomes clear how important it is to be kind to one another... and also that I need to stop huffing that Nepali paint sons!


Also everyone in Nepal was thin as a bamboo shoot. I think it might be the lack of adequate nutrition. Which got me thinking of a new idea for a diet called the "mus-slim" diet:


Here's how it works:

1) Eat some dhal
2) Get diarrhea
3) Pray all day
4) Smoke the shisha

Lastly a shout out to Petra, which is home to the second most amazing site I have seen this far. I hiked up the mountain which takes like 40 minutes for the spritley. After the hump up to the top there are a bunch of cats and a giant building carved into the stone. None of the cats would take my picture so I had to take a series of timed selfies. The building was amazing and I found out later this is where Indiana Jones was filmed. Dr. MOTHERFUCKING. JONES. Remember Johnothan Ke Quan that Chinese kid from Temple of Doom that always used to say "Dr Jones!"?

Yeah well he looks like this now:


Feel old? Me too- but the point is not as old as these amazing mountain house structures. They are from 2nd century BC and weren't even discovered until the 1800s.


Here are some rand. scribbs of the "slims":


Grub:


From top left to bottom right:

1) Turkish Lokum
2) Egyptian Molokheya (muslime)
3) Malaysian Dragonfruit
4) Turkish Spices
5) UAE Manti
6) Nepali Bread

Wa-Lakum-sallam bitches, see you in Chinese town.

#puttenuminthebackseat
#nevercallinggun
#signmeupforareligionwhereyoubeatitifivetimesaday
#arabies
#incogmufftops

Friday, January 3, 2014

Keeping it Is-real

Happy new year... (Fart noise)

Im up in Israel for Christmas / Jew Year. It's time to get into the xmas spirit so I painted the tip of my "shling-a-ding-dong goes the christmas bell wong" red like Rudolf and I split a street side agnostic with a red sea roundhouse kick to the goyim if you know what I mean.

Sooooo at this point I have been to 26 countries in 4 months...  and every time I go to a museum and read about the past it seems like somebody, somewhere, was fucking with the Jews. The Jew beef goes as far back as Manetho in the 3rd century BC... so we gotta set the record straight on the mutherfuckin' Jews y'all.


I love the Jews. Many of my friends are Jews. In middle school I had wavy bangs and rolled with a Jew crew. I've been to two bar mitzvahs and have now been to Israel. So yeah that makes me an expert on the Jews wanna fight about it? Cause unless you know Jewjuitsu you gonna get dead sea dingled by my ninja stars of David boyie.


Thats me on the right. I dropped a sheckle

Why do I love the Jews? Welp:

The Jews choose
So they don't believe in Jesus. Big whup. Ever heard the facts around Jesus? The Jews choose reason over the Christmas season. Point is The Jews choose- they don't just swallow slicefulls of whatever baloney the bullshit butcher has behind the counter.

The Jews party like they are going to die
Tel Aviv rolls deep every night of the week 24/7. It is likely that any given individual Jew has spilled more booze than you have drunk in your entire life.

They have clean penises
So what if they circumcise their penis skins? It's cleaner that way. Get out of here with your filthy uncircumcised whang-a-ma-dragon-fang.

Jews are successful
Kissinger, Hellen Keller, Obama, Sydney Pointier... all Jews. The Jews even have Sammy Davis JR for farts sake! Who do we have? Mitt Romney? Tubbs Gingrich? 

They know how to fight
Krav Maga, The Desert Eagle. Thousands of years of invasions. They are still around like uncircumcised penis pillars of defiance.

Jews are generous
Everywhere in Israel people were giving me stuff: extra falafel, cigarette butts, herpes... Also there is free wifi everywhere and public restrooms.

Jews love stem cells
Unlike some nutty countries out there, Israel is at the forefront of stem cell research. Jew bonus: the polio vaccine, insulin, chewing gum, and the syphilis test... all invented by Jews. Truth.

The Jews are sexual tyrannosaurs rexes
They are trying to survive in hostility to keep the species going. Case and point: my top 4 HJs have been from Jewish guys, and the best open mouth kiss I have ever had came from an Israeli breed of Clydesdale horse.

They have amazing food
Best food of the trip.. hands down.

In summation the Jews are piping hot right now. They are hip, healthy, and ready to bagel hole their way into your world kosher style. In other words Jews are jewels. Glimmering, wondrous jewels... For Elohim's sake JC was a Jew. So be kind to the Jews would ya?

Additionally, Israel is awesome. I noticed the majority of Jews can be broken into 6 classes in order of prevalence:

1 Soldier Jews
or: "Soldjews"
"Soldja Boy Told em'. Ata-waat-aah-beeayd... turn my swag on!" you know that song by Soldja Boy?  There are real Soldja boys everywhere in Isreal, and they are all turning their swags on. They were everywhere. Why? Cause people want to kill the fuckin Jews! Could you imagine if there was some other animal above humans on the food chain? That would just come out of the sky like a ferocious pterodactylus and kill you? Welcome to every day for my nizzles tha Jizzels.


2 Hot Young Hip Euro Jews
or: "HueyLewisralies" 

If you see a bright white light and a Boy George hat flash across the mall- don't worry its just a HueyLewisrali. You can get a good glimpse of them when they stand still to read a depeche mode concert poster and or smoke a skinny cig. Marvel at the Macklemore haircut.






3 Pony Jews
or: "Pews"

If I was a computer, I would arrive in Israel and say: "DID NOT EXPECT PONY JEWS" just like that in a computer voice. I get the soldiers, but there was a disproportionate number of dudes with ponies up in this pentecost. At a stoplight I saw two Pews standing back to back and their ponys were intertwined; like a oil spicket connects to a spaceship mid flight... An ancient Pew technique for communicating and sharing feelings.


4 Rasta Jews
or: "Rasrelies"

There was a moderate amount of Jews that looked like Spragga Benz. They had the rasta vibe going- who knew this was still a vibe? Irrerieeeee... the Jews are brining it back Yahweh love em'!.







5. Ginger Jews
or: "Ginjews"
Believe it or not I saw a starling number of Ginger Jews. They were usually in the shadows or in that space behind the dumpster rummaging. When you shine a light on them they stare into the beam with large lemur eyes, their little paws holding onto a small scrap of old bread. It appears that gingers are not accepted anywhere... even here. Those poor, miserable, soulless pieces of shits. 




6 Toilken Jews
or: "Toilkisraelies"

It was a real treat to see a Toilkisraeli. They look like the characters from Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or whatever. Little elves and wizards without the sticks. They were a relatively rare sighting and It's sort of like seeing a tiger in the Indian forrest. They are majestic and you hope you see one, but you also want to keep your distance and not look them directly in the eye.




It's no coincidence that the six major classifications correspond to the number of points on the Star of David:

As all of them come together, they of course make the Jewish Voltron- which is Wolf Blitzer. Who embodies everything Jewish: handsome, smart, successful, knows magic, and has the first name of a predator.


There are of course a few minor classes that are worth mentioning, but account for a much smaller percentage of the populous:

Jews that look like leather fruit. i.e. "Fruit-chews"
Jews that look like Charles Bronson. i.e. "Brews"
Jews that look like prices of adult candy. i.e. "Can-Do's" 
Jews that look like puppies. i.e. "Poos"


Bending it like Bethlehem

Lastly, I noshed on these doozies:

From top left to bottom right:

1) falafel
2) humos
3) shakshuka
4) fried potato
5) dates
6) schwarma (ridonkulous)

On that note i'm parting like Moses and out like a rabbi in a rainstorm. Happy holidays yall' Peace to my mangers in rove rangers. JC in the house cause he built the house.

#dontmindifijew
#ialsolovejuice
#jewbellee
#jewin'itright
#jewjewbees
#jolo
#wishiwasajewthefactthatmymomisnotJewishissomethingshecanroastintheeternalfiresofhellfor

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Deutsche Bags

Hey gang,

So this leg of the trip had me in Ireland, the UK and Germany. This poster pretty much sums up the trip:


So that's: "Full Fart, pa Floyen, Floi Banen". which means: "Full fart. Let them out. They are old spirtis from past lives living inside you, trying to communicate with you through your butt cheeks. Do it while sledding with your family"

Also this happened in Ireland:


video
Someboy's Dad

Dublin puts the "Irie" in Ireland. It's a vibrant city and thirves with music and dance. Dublin is like if Sacramento and an underage Sinead O' Connar had a baby that was given up for adoption to Shane MacGowan and molested by Cardinal O' Malley. In other words, the city has issues but kows how to party.

In fact Ireland was so fun there is no word that can describe it, so I will make one up here:

"Iretonk-konkulous"

Which, in fact, still doesn't do it justice... so I have additionally expressed it's badassery in tonal form:



Also Kevin met up with me in Glasgow on his way to Shanghai. I asked him to descibe Ireland with an interpretive dace... and he did this:

video

Anyway Kevin gets it. He just.... gets.... it. Also, I found a LFLC (lucky 4 leaf clover) in Dublin! Thats about as lucky as it gets! Right? What does it mean if you get raped by a lepechaun? ...cause that happend too...

Each leaf of this lucky little leaf cloer repesents one of my STDs.

In other news I missed Halloween cause I was cleaning up all the blood in my hostel so I cried in my soup and made a haiku about it. I call it Haloween 2013:

********

Little German guards in their castles, with their frowny frowns and helmet tassels.
Staring into space, bathroom break, shaven face.
Concert 8pm, can't wait, David Hassles.

What should I be this year: Golemn, Grimace, or Tom Hanks?
Looked up, saw the Cats poster- done and done, Skimbleshanks.
I got the candy shakes, gettin' the candy sniffles.
Wanna chomp those candy lips, bite off those candy nipples.

You're too old for Haloween! chirps the peanut gallery.
Pay your taxes and be stightlaced read the rules of society.
But I like shells and snails and slime, and chimes and rhymes, and grit and grime.
What if I have a swell costume? Would it be OK just this one last time?
No you cant! Give up your candy kids should always be well fed!
No door to door? Your such a bore, OK I think I'll steal instead.

Nabbed a dozen candy corns from the little sidewalk thumping runts.
Sugar high, staying fly, hope those chubbs don't pull some stunts.
If I see some egg remains, or some specks of sharing cream,
I'll tie them up with razor wire and toss them in the stream.
Sail away, screams in trebles. No mercy for the rebels.
Grind their bones, mix with milk, and a bowl of fruity pebbles.

Feed them to the lions, Jessie, Timmy, Robby, Ryan.
Jimmie, Jamie, Winkie, Russie, Kelly, Zozzie, little Brian.
Smashing on these little shrimps, bang - pazow; choose your onamonapia.
Ate all the pee-wee's candies, jokes on me, traveller's diherrea.

********

FYI had originally planed to go as a whtie German schnitzle. Like a giant warty German schnitz. Looking to the futuche' I am excited about missing Thanksgiving in Eastern Euope! Where the wine flows like old yogurt. 

Also here's some road scribbs from this leg of the trip:


road scribblins

aaaaand some local fare:



From top left to bottom right:

1) German Schnitzels
2) Scottish Haggis
3) Chech Pork with "dumplings"
4) Welsh Cawl (lamb soup)
5) Irish Candies
6) German Doner Kebab (the bomb deuce)

Happy holidays yall'

#kevinisheaven
#germanbankers
#seriouslyireallydohavetavellersdiarrheai'mokthoughdontworryihavemedsforittotallysucksthoughhaventtakenasolidinlikethreedays
#cats
#lilwayne


Thursday, October 10, 2013

Scandalicious

Hey yall'. It's me again. Just left Scandinavia and what a ride!... If you like rides that make you barf.

This is all you need to know about Scandinavia:
  • It's as boring as an Amish kid watching a banana take a nap
  • All the countries have queens (gays not monarchies)
  • Kris Kringle chills here
  • Everyone sounds like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets

Sightseeing:

Helsinki is great if you like watching inanimate objects and going to church. I tired to mix it up and asked some locals what there is to do here and they said go to the sauna. So I thought I'd hel-sink my teeth into a sauna whang sandwich.

At the sauna, it's completely buck mandatory and you sit around with a bunch of guys. I saw a lot of different dongs and not to worry I've already sent out postcards. You take breaks outside in your towel and sip booze and smoke cigs. So to recap: lots of naked guys, sippin' booze, smoking cigs... My kinda party!

Whangameedo city

You can also go to the park, outdoor museum (another park), or go to the national museum (old artifacts found at the park). So pretty much everything revolves around the park. Which is cool if you like to hangout at the fucking park.

Sweden was nice. Like a piece of buttered toast. The place was clean and as a bonus this guy lives there:

Miami lice

Sweden was also weird- which helped liven things up a bit. Here is some stuff I came across while walking around:

Poodle guy gives me the creeps

After Sweden I hit Norway. More like boreway. Want to visit the worlds largest halibut farm? Who gives a fjord. Norway is basically a more expensive version of Stockholm. I'm not trying to penny pinch but TGI Friday's was 50 bucks for a quesadilla. Truth- shoulda packed more peanuts.

For as expensive as it is, its no surprise that there are a lot of homeless. For example, this little ghastly ghoul floated up to me speaking Norwegian- when she started talking her two teeth were fighting for gum rights NRA style. I think she was asking for change. As in a change of pants. Her skirt looked like a homeless version of a shawl from one of those ghosts in lord of the rings. Although she admittedly looks more put together than many of the homeless I know back home. 

Don't fall asleep- she'll steal your breath.

The only thing that made the boreway visit worth it was the fjords. My first attempt at seeing a fjords was to go to Stavnger (10 hour train from Oslo) and hike up to Pulpit Rock. Which is a massive cliff that is 1900 feet high. Here is what it looks like online:

 
Heavens butthole

Here's what it looked like when I went:
Gray as Odin's beard

The weather showed no sign of clearing up so I took a 3 hour boat ride north to Bergen, and a 3 hour bus east to Flam to hit the Nærøyfjord and Aurlandsfjord. From Flam I went on a "fjord safari" in which we tickled the fjords in a speedy low riding wave cutter.

Holy father of sentient beings and in the name of Thor's hammer and all things sacred the fjords were the most breathtakingly beautiful natural thing I have ever seen, aside from my mothers eyes.... when I am choking the life outta her.

That ain't a postcard meatballs

The fjords look like where unicorn babies are born. Imagine the most epic nature you have ever seen after 20 hits of acid... That would look like Ruth Ginsburg bathing naked in a bathtub of toxic waste compared to the fjords. The water was shimmering blue as neptues moose knuckle and felt as if Jesus himself had cried them full with tears of joy at the sight of their immense beauty and his fathers creation. 

The mountains tinkle out drinkable water from a number of waterfalls at their summit. We came across one waterfall and our safari guide nonchalantly pointed out that there was rainbow in the waterfall... a fucking rainbow.... in the waterfall... The picture doesn't do it justice:

Where angels do coke 

Yet in the midst of all this beauty I had an incessant nagging at my innermost being to punch our guide in the neck and walk straight into the ocean- deep into the recesses of Poseidon's flowing beard, and either drown or ride a dolphin back to New York.  I am not sure if this is because I needed a yin to natures yang, or because the fjords were like a white persons utopia, too unbelievable to be true.

Sweet mother of little Jesus's baby rattle

People:

Most Scandads are pretty sweet waxy cool honey beans. Everyone was skinny and eruo hip and most folks had a chilly exterior that is as thin as the ice they skate on.

They also have blonde hair and crystalline blue eyes... with deep, dark blue flecks in them like a blue whale's penis. Their eyes look like a wolf's but also like a daemons. For all your Dune fans, their eyes are like the adapted kangaroo mouse of the planet Arrakis- the "muad'dib".

Muad' dib

But instead of black onyx like the muad'dib, they are blue crystalline like I said before. Also the eyes are not large like the muad'dib, but more like sultry pecan shaped gypsy eyes. So I guess they are like the muad'dib eyes in that they are just eyes, but their shape and color are different from the muad'dib.

Food:

Before I touch on the local fare, I wanted to address the plight of the Gambas. "Gambas" is the Swedish term for tiger shrimp. Tiger shrimp are a piping hot commodity here.

Gambas

However, the over production of farm raised Gambas lead to environmental degradation, illegal land seizures, abuse of child labor and violence. So by eating Gambas, you may be dining on a delicacy responsible for hunger, suffering, and death. It is basically the whole blood diamond thing but instead with tiger prawns... Who knew? I am not writing this to sway anyone's decision about what to eat. Do what makes you happy thats what my Mommy said. Although if you are environmentally mindful, you might consider eating other foods; such as blue fin tuna, chilean sea bass, shark fin soup, manatee, or panda fetus.

Putting the Gambas issue aside, the local fare in Scandinavia mainly consists of herring based specialties. Now everyone knows I will eat my way though a maze of maize, but by far the best herring in all of Scandinavia was at "Nystekt Stromming" in Stockholm:


It was the cat's vajangarang:

Here is some other local fare from all over Scandinavia:


(from upper left to lower right)
1) Swedish Moose Meat
2) Swedish Apple Cake
3) Finnish herring bread bowl (was hard to finnish)
4) Norwegian Fish soup (the bomb duecey-co-wilcox)
5) Norwegian Mink Whale (tasted like Gambas)
6) Norwegian Reindeer

Art:

Here are some drawings I did of Scandad inspired stuff. I hope you like em' :)


Since I have been on a museum rampage, I thought I'd highlight some of the most inspiring stuff I have seen thus far:

  • Tsar Ivan Grozny Killing His Son by Repin / Tretekov Musuem (Moscow)
  • All portrainture by Munch / Much Museet (Oslo)
  • All work by Vasily Vereshchagin. (One of my new favorite painters- the guy is a jedi) /Tretekov Musuem (Moscow)
  • St. Jerome by Carvagio /The Hermitage (St. Petes)
  • All Rodin works / Ny Carlsbuirg Glytotek (Copenhagen)

Speaking of art- the genius that is Pen Ward liked one of my drawings in the last post yall'!! PEN muthafuckin WARD!



Next it's: Hamburg, Amsterdam, Ireland, Scotland, and then I set sails for Wales.

#scanyoufeelme?
#getthoseNords
#scandangerous
#davidscasslehoff
#forgotmyscandlas
#scandalous