Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Farewell Sweet Molasses

Hey muffintopsIts ya boy BLK-Y Jelly sandwich up in ya bellybitch.


It was a helluva trip yall'- 50 countries,12 months. Here there are in alphabetical order:




Here are some tips for all your travel slugs out there:
  • Use Couchsurfing
  • Eat your broccoli
  • Get your hand sanitizer on
  • Avoid that baby hipster lama drama


Adventure Recommendations
1) Fjord safari in Flam, Norway
2) Ruin hike in Petra, Jordan
3) Whitewater rafting in Ubud, Indonesia
4) Black water caves in Waitomo, N.Z.
              Best Accessories
              1) Ipod touch
              2) Pacsafe backpack
              3) Buff bandanna
              4) Earplugs

Favorite Places
1) Bali
2) Japan
3) Prague
4) Nepal

              Least Favorite Places
              1) Bolivia
              2) China
              3) Dubai
              4) Wales

To all the folks I met on the road peace in your crease and stay in T. Until then don't be a dickdog and I'll see ya'll stateside.


Monday, July 14, 2014

S'merica

Buenos dias bendehos,

It's BLK-Y-peanut butter and muthafuckin jelly box fish up in ya belly. Just rounded out Columbia, Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, Cuba, and the Bahamas. At this point ya'll I have been away for a while now and I miss avacadoes, my friends, and and family... in that order.


 

South America is the land of fun and sun. Wild mutts and tight butts. Maize and fish fillays. Tortillas and coke villas. Maids and AIDS. Myan temples and clean utensils. Babies with rabies. Angry mobs and Sumer jobs. Conquistadors and alot a chores. Stray dogs and circumcised hogs. Valid Ids and STDs. Many kin and don't forget Christ died for your sin. Palm trees and dirty knees from cleaning the strees.


Christianity is also huge down here y'all, and I never really understood the whole God thing. For example the holy ghost says it's not OK to be gay... I'm not into nude dudes but I still don't like being told what is natural by a fucking ghost. Amiright?

Bolivia


Bolivia smells like piss cakes baked at 360 degrees. And a 360 is exactly what I wanted to do when I got to the boarder- go back to Peru and kick up my pups for another week. It  is dusty with stray dogs and garbage everywhere. Which made me wonder, if dogs can smell so well, why don't they get grossed out more often? I even saw a dead dog by the train tracks:



There are also old kids toys littered about. If KTVU ran a story on these crum bums it would be: "continent of crum bums, their milkshakes bring all the toys to the yard." Also most of the women I saw looked like a shorter version of Germaine Dupris with down syndrome. I gave some change to an old Bolivian lady, and looked in her eyes I saw how I was going to die.



In spite of the weather, mothetfuckers are cold here man- cold as ice. I saw a dickdog put his little boy in place by sticking him in a rotten pile of garbage. Of course by "little boy" I am referring to the mans penis. JK y'all but no joke they do come heavy on the beat downs on the ninos. Puttin em in check without writing any.



So B-town is a nice place if you love living in shambles and being in or around garbage. It's basically a Mexican India.

Brazil

Brazil is filled with dockdogs. In other words, dudes that hang out at the docks. The Brazilian coast is beautiful like a butterfly kaleidoscope. With palm trees, wale noises, white rocks, soft paper, sticky figs, feathers, and tickles, and pickles, and olives, and mollusks for a few bucks, and cobblestones and hug zones and gypsies and nipsies, and windy alleyways that weave and tangle and run like highway veins across my heart.


 

PS the picanye steak here was the best I have ever had, and had no condiments, and ya'll know the BLKY Jells loves his condiments hates his condoms. Gotta do it though... The condiments I mean.

South American Hair



The men in South America all have wavy long deep dark thick mysterious manes of man hair. You want to jump right in and run through the labyrinth of locks and get lost for eternity. It's like two chestnut horses, galloping across an amber field of Peruvian maize, pulling wheat ropes tied to a barrel full of deep brown Canadian syrup.



Being Pale


Believe it or not, it's actually hip to be pale in some places. Which is great because normally it's hard on a white man. Aside from never being pulled over we have to overcome an uncontrollable biological passion for Microsoft Excel and pronouncing "Target", as "Tar-jay".

Luckily I have white skin like a little beluga porpoise that is free from defects and soft as a baby's balls. All the folks out here look like little mocha milk chocolate Mary Tyler Moores, but believe it or nil some are unhappy because alot of folks want to be more white. Like your Ma told ya love the way God mold ya 



Cuban Cigars

A word on Cubans ya'll. Any cigar you buy on the street is going to be a fake. Everybody has the same story, "my friend / life partner works at the factory and snuck out a box". Don't buy it. The BLKY Jellyfish got absolutely rickrolled by a couple of dickdogs on a number of occasions. If you want the real deal, get them at a Habanero distributor. Pointers for those of you who fancy the occasional poo stick:


The one on the left is a siglo IV, on the right, a Siglo VI. Same cigar, different sizes. Can you tell which one is real? Probably not because the dickdogs that made the fake are good...Real good y'all.


 

Alas, the one on the left is fake as the moans you make. You can check the firmness, smell, and roll. but a good way to tell is the label.

Mira, the label should be embossed, with a high contrast of yellow to white to black and have evenly spaced dots.



Note the dickdoggery on the left has the square dots off the cut. It's 2.5 dots from the top of the label to the top label edge, where the left label has three dots. Fucking assholes.

Hey-Yooo!! I'm off to solve another crime maties! This is Sherlock Cigarface Holmes reporting for duty! I'm chuffed to bits that I got an authentic but i'd love a good chin wagging with those bloody prats for diddling me dogs bollocks!... Or whatever the English Sherlock Holmes would say.

Anyway keep your eyes peeled ya'll.



Of course, they are an illegal import in the US, so you gotta smoke me while you got em'. Either that or the label will get smashed up anyway when you shove them all up your ass and waltz over the border.

Griggles



From top left to bottom right:

1) Colombian cow intestines
2) Chilean Chilimoyo
3) Peruvian antichurros (beef heart)
4) Bolivian Guinea pig (disgust-motherfuck-ing)
5) Argentinian sirloin (the best steak ever)
6) Amazon jungle maggots

#igotaboyzillian
#whyarewemadatcubaanyway
#paleisthenewblack
#invisibileinasnowstorm
#maggotswerentthatbad
#turnsoutidieinanavalanche

Monday, May 26, 2014

Pyongwhang


Word up pissclams. Hope all y'all are hemmin' an hawin'.

 

So I went to North Korea for five days. Since this was a OIALO (once in a lifetime opportunity) I figure the four of you that are reading this will have some questions, so ima try and give you the quick skinny butts and tinkle out some science this post y'all. With a little bit of DPRK knowledge if you already didn't know- so run n' tell that.



DPRK stands for Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea. The acronym is a letter off from DORK so don't forget that y'all. Needless to say the flight in was as bumpy as their international relations and they served a free hamburger and beer for you booze hounds.



During the flight they played nationalistic opera music and had video of the North Korean country side. Hits like: "My Country, My Village". Catchy jams you can't find on Itunes. Also no rules on the airline ya'll: no smoking, tray tables up, none of that shit. At least these pickletips are doing something right!

Upon arrival there was a dickdog smoking a cigarette in a car right next to the airplane after it had landed, even with all the jet fumes this dingdong managed to rip a hit off a dart. Like I said, no rules... except for all the rules.
 

In general it was hip to see the only surviving militant communist potato chip dictatorship. To sum it up, imagine China in the 1950's. Everybody was starving and rides a bike, so it was a lot like being at the cardio section at 24 hour fitness. I also noticed folks rummaging through the parks and garbage, which made me feel right at home back in SF.


We were free to take pictures of most things, the food was great, and I found most locals I spoke with were funny, intelligent, and amicable. Go fig newts. However the guides were buttholes about some things- such as statues. Which require 90 degree bows and flower laying.


Also you can't just go where you want and roll up into a supermarket and get some BLK-Y-Jelly, as you are always accompanied by a guide. Also you can't crumple a newspaper if it had a picture of a dear leader on it. Also there are no designer brands or any capitalism whatsoever. Which was total count suckulous because I was hoping to get a deal on some DprKNY designer jeans.

On the road I noticed alot of North Korean folks look like they are about to cry. Not because they are sad, but becuase tears are gears- the gears that will grind down the imperilist US scum into a dusty pulp.

holding a grumpy

In sum, the experince was internesting... But I never thought i'd say I am glad to be back in Chinese town ya'll.


Gribbs:



From top left to bottom right:

1) dog soup (yes I ate dog)
2) korean air crisps
3) chicken craklin's
4) wieners
5) korean hot pot
6) salt, chili, pepper, MSG

Monday, April 21, 2014

Asiatic Spazmatic

NEE HOW MAaAA!...


So I'm all up in these Chinese guts y'all and it stinks in here. Little bits of Tom Fun all over the place. In other words China fucking blows Chinese chunks.

1) The pollution is hanious. Apparently old man winter chases the dragon here and blows his smoke all over Beijing's balls. (I couldn't see my Hanoi in front of my Falun Gong)

2) There is a culture of Spitting... everywhere. Even linoleum floors in banks and train stations. Full loogi with preemptive throat clearing.
 

3) They will cut the shit out of you in line. 90 year old woman, little ass kid... doesn't matter, everyone gets cut... I'm calling it: "BAF" which stands for Brazen Asian Frustration.

4) They slurp noodles with their gobs open and it's disgusting. Read the memo from 3rd grade about not eating with your toothless pie holes open... Besides you're letting the flies out.

5) If you're a white man they will spy on your Buddha noodle while using the urinals. Happened more than once. #dontbejelousofmyscabs

6)  They have low food safety standards: "gutter oil", illegal pesticides, poisonous baby formula, etc.

7) You can't use social media. YouTube, google drive, twitter, FB, etc..

8) It's crowded as balls:

On the flip the place had a few redeemables:

1) They happen to love dragons. Those who know me know that the powder man is not afraid to draw a dragon. And lemme tell y'all these little fireballs love Dragons. Dragons statues everywhere, dragons in parade floats, they chase the dragon, and when they walk their nuts be draggin'.

2) They make potions and respect alchemy. Chinese medicine is just animals and shrubs and roots and shit. Which are usually just the opposite of whatever ailment you have. For example you eat a bats wing if you suffer from wrinkles of the face.
 

3) They will eat anything. These little Asian raisins gave me a run for my money and gave me the runs for my tummy. They even have a restaurant that serves only penis. I didn't have the balls to go in.

Ironically, these dickdogs actually eat dogs dick.

4) They love firecrackers, and opium. Who doesn't?

In other news you know those guys that get dressed up all silver and then stay still until you put a coin in their hat? Check this guy out- he stood here forever with his arms out- dressed up like a fire hydrant.

 

On a good note walking around the city I was a marvel to these dickweeds. Maybe because I look like a ray of sunlight wrapped in a transparent sausage skin burrito. I was like a boss ass panda up in this cho-dow. Like a piece of milky white nougat candy in a room full of hungry diabetus. I had to beat em off with a stick and also without a stick. Clubbin' these vachinas like a seal.

At this point you know the drill dingdongs... and the gong goes: 1) game recognize game  2) scribbs, 3) then we comin heavy with the farm barf.

Scribbs featuring gay dragon:


Farm barf:



From left to right top to bottom now we heya:

1) Chinese chicken face (yes that is a chickens head cut in half... And yes I did eat that ninjas brain)
2) Thai Black scorpion
3) Malaysian Bakut Teh (pig intestine in rice marinated in tea... The bomb.com / bomb.edu)
4) Vietnamese sea snails
5) Cambodian dragon fruit
6) Laoatian Khop Sui (the straight dinkle crink)


#onlyamericanseatducksauce
#littlemintcostfiftycent
#dalilamadrama
#gunghayfatripoff
#youcantcagemyrage
#wishiwasjokingaboutthedickeatingthing


Friday, February 21, 2014

Islamantics

Salaam alaikum motherfuckers.



So I just rolled through the "Mike Tysons Punch Out" leg of the trip:
        Egypt / Pasta Pizza

       Turkey / Bald Bull


Jordan / Bob Charlie

UAE / Great Tiger
Malasyia / Hoy Quarlow 
Nepal P. Hurricane


Basically a Muslim sandwich with a side of farty onion naan.

Some folks associate Islam with "terror", but the truth is only a tiny fraction actually terrorize
(thank Vishnu). Most Muslims are cool to the touch and kiss peace on the neck and lean in on that shit balls deep. Also without Muslims we wouldn't have Eric B and Rakim. So let's remember what our high school councilor said and be tender to the Muslims uhhhm K guys? Huuuummm kay.


Here's my take on the pro / cons of being Muslim in a Muslim country:

Pro:

1) Women can't sit in the front seat so you never have to call shotgun
2) You get to wear a robe every day

Con:

1) No premarital
2) You have to pray five times a day

This five times a day thing really put a scarab in my jillbab. What a pain in the ass. There were dudes that literally had black marks and little friction growths on their forehead- gross little bubble nubs from praying so often.



What if you pray six times a day- does the last one roll over like cell minutes? What if you only pray 4 times do you still go to hell? In fact this sounds like something a daemon would have you do in hell; like one room in hell is where they pinch your tits, another is where you carry heavy rocks, and the last one where you kiss the ground 5 times a day.

In all of the Muslim countries most women roll a Hadjib, which is the long black robe folks are fond of. Great bonus for the ladies is that it hides the muffin top like a champion. On another note down by the river Jordan I saw a maiden disrobe.. and, as I have suspected for years, they are actually just ghosts under there:



 Also old women wear a batoola, which looks like a ninja scroll face mask:

Kali ma shakti de

Also check out the little wiz Khalifa:

Shorty I roll up


So each Muslim country had its own flavor. Like a runny bowl of paneer. The UAE is basically like a Muslim Vegas where nobody drinks or has sex.  The cops in Egypt wear penny loafers. Malaysia had lots of little dogs running around that snap at your ankles. Get bit you get arabies. In Turkey I saw this dude, which I am convinced was the retired Bald Bull:


Nepal was the macghee- as in tits mcghee. I went on a five day trek and my butt biscuits were burnin y'all.


Also everyone in Nepal was thin as a bamboo shoot. I think it might be the lack of adequate nutrition. Which got me thinking of a new idea for a diet called the "mus-slim" diet:


Here's how it works:

1) Eat some dhal
2) Get diarrhea
3) Pray all day
4) Smoke the shisha

Lastly a shout out to Petra, which is home to the second most amazing site I have seen thus far. After the hump up to the top there are a bunch of cats and a giant building carved into the stone. None of the cats would take my picture so I had to take a series of timed selfies. The building was amazing and I found out later this is where Indiana Jones was filmed. Dr. MOTHERFUCKING. JONES. Remember Johnothan Ke Quan that Chinese kid from Temple of Doom that always used to say "Dr Jones!"?

Yeah well he looks like this now:


Feel old? Me too- but the point is not as old as these amazing mountain house structures. They are from 2nd century BC and weren't even discovered until the 1800s.


Here are some rand. scribbs of the "slims":


Grub:


From top left to bottom right:

1) Turkish Lokum
2) Egyptian Molokheya (muslime)
3) Malaysian Dragonfruit
4) Turkish Spices
5) UAE Manti
6) Nepali Bread

Wa-Lakum-sallam bitches, see you in Chinese town.

#puttenuminthebackseat
#nevercallinggun
#signmeupforareligionwhereyoubeatitifivetimesaday
#arabies
#incogmufftops